Purple Monkeys
by crimsonpacific
Summary: Dumbledore accidentally sends Snape on a gay muggle cruise, his excuse being that Snape must stop the evil purple monkeys before they fufill Voldermort's plot. Are there purple monkeys? Is Dumbledore insane? Will Snape get picked up? Read and find out!
1. The Excuse

Purple Monkeys  
  
Disclaimer: don't own em, don't sue us.  
  
Authors note: first fanfic, PLEASE be gentil, REVIEW!!!!!!!! (please!)  
  
Severus Snape was a middle aged greasy haired man with a gambling problem. This problem was in fact the reason he was now standing in the middle of a crowd of muggles awaiting their turn to be loaded on board a large ship destined for a caribbean cruise. The ship was named Le Petit Bonbon and was now looming far above his head, hiding the sun from his eyes. Snape leared up at it, remembering how he got himself into this mess.  
  
Flashback  
  
"Severus, might I have a word with you?" Snape turned to see Dumbledore watching him, twinkle in eyes and all. "Certainly Albus." "I have noticed that recently you seem to have increased the number of times you travel to hogsmead for your ocasional gambling nights and I must say your lack of attention to your, erm" he coughed "hygene is troubling." Snape stared. "It is on these grounds that I have decided to take this opportunity to send you on a cruse to further our understanding of muggle security, we fear that Voldermort may be trying to bring the dowfall of the leading heads of the muggle free world by transporting illegal vegetable produce to other countries." "What?!?! " "It's true" Dumbledore replied, nodding his his in agreement with his previouse statement. "Our undercover muggle spies have detected them using criuselines to inport and outport vegetable produce infected with viruses so fearsome that the insect population will transform into giant purple monkeys over the course of the next few years if we allow them to suceed. The fate of the insect world is in your perfectly capable hands."  
Snape stared, a slightly glased look overcomming his eyes. "Insects Albus." "Quite." "Purple monkeys." "Indeed." "Destroying the world as we know it due to infected vegtable produce." "Yes" "And you want me to go on a cruise to prevent this from happening." "Exactly."  
Severus glared at Dumbledore, disbelief clear in his eyes. "And this is the best you can come up with to make me take a vacation?" "Well...you do need a tan." "YOU DON'T HAVE A TAN!!!!" "Yes, well, I must be off, you leave for the cruise tonight, enjoy your holiday." Snape stared after him as the old man whisked himself away, realization dawning on him of why Albus's eyes had been twinkling so intensly before.  
  
End Flashback  
  
Severus stared at the few remaining people in the line in front of him and muttered "it's going to be a long four weeks."  
  
to be continued... 


	2. The Ship

Purple Monkeys  
  
Disclaimer: No own, no sue, no money...only monkeys.  
  
Authors Note: Here we are once again...yes. We have nothing else to say so just read the story and review...several times...and then tell your friends...and have them read and review it...and then all of you can have a whole conversation in the review section on how much you like our story...to much ego? I thought so...read anyways. (Uh, pacific? I think your scaring them.) P.S there are TWO of us! Pacific AND Crimson..... carry on!  
  
Chapter Two  
  
Fluffy pillows. Two of them, on a large heart shaped bed. Snape was scared. After finally making his way though a ship full of many, many, couples and even more slightly drunk groups of people, Snape had finally managed to find his room, and now it had pink fluffy pillows and the bed wasn't even that comfortable.  
  
"What, did they run out of money and decided to cut down on costs by chopping off half the bed?" Snape thought to himself, eyeing his new resting space with distaste. From the moment he had boarded the ship, Snape had sensed that something was different, that something was slightly off, and now he knew what it was. Dumbledore hated him.  
  
Only a person with a sick and twisted sense of humour would force him to spend four weeks on a sappy and happy ship where the levels of good feelings riveled that of a prozak filled recovery house. rubbing the bridge of his noes with his overly long fingers, Sanpe muttered "Damn you Albus." before storming out of his room, slaming the door behind him for good measure.  
  
Sickened by his sickly pink room, Snape decided it was time for a walk. Wandering aimlessly between pairs of groping couples. "What kind of cruise from hell is this?" Snape muttered aloud, startled he whipped around at the voice behind him.  
  
"You have the most beautiful teeth I've ever seen, care to give me a close up hot stuff?"  
  
Snape strared, blinking abesntly at the young man standing before him. Putting on his most chilling glare , he looked down his hooked nose and (*dun dun duh!* "Shut up Crimson!") spat out "excuse me?"  
  
The attractive young looked up at him, clicking his tounge he winked before saying "I'm in room 507, come visit me tonight." before dissapearing behind a particularily vocal couple.  
  
Snape stared after him, thinking to himself "What the hell have you gotten me into this time Albus?" Looking around, Snape begain noticing a few things, for one, that there were alot of male couples madly clinging to each other. Shrugging, he blamed it on teenage horemones before continuing on his walk, ignoring the fact that most of them appeared to be in their twenties.  
  
Comming to a door with a white sign reading Staff Only his curiousity got the better of him. Opening the door, he peered into the space behind it, only to see (*duh, duh, dun!* "I told you to be quiet Crimson!") a staircase leading down. Looking behind him he cringed, thinking that the dark and gloomy staircase was preferable to the mob of kissing, sappy, groping couples behind him.  
  
Decending the stairs, he (*duh, duh, dun!* *hits Crimson over the head with a large bat*) paused on the landing to take in a deep breath, enjoying the smell of food. He walked thought the second doorway before freezing in his tracks, scared stiff by the sight of a sparkling, white tiled kitchen. Hearing a sound behind him he spun around, only to find a young female, a large and flashy pin saying Head Cheff pinned to her shirt.  
  
"Can I help you? The kitchen is off limits to all passengers." Snape eyed her up and down before saying "And you would be?" Raising one thin eyebrow she motioned to her pin before saying "Can't you read?"  
  
Normally Severus would have replied to such a snide remark by turning the person into a frog. She being a muggle he couldn't do this, although from the look on her face he began to think he might have to, she didn't look to happy.  
  
Deciding to be civil, no matter how skewed his idea of civil may be, he decided to talk abit before returning to the deck above. "So, what do they call you?" he asked, his voice as close to polite as he could muster.  
  
Raising her other eyebrow she barked back "Head cheff, now get out!"  
  
Baiting her might be a better method he decided. "What's you name, it can't possibly be that terrible."  
  
"If I tell you will you leave?"  
  
"Yes"  
  
"Well then, it's Spork."  
  
"What? That's not a real nam-" he was however interuppted by a pair of hands shoving him out the same door before slaming it behind him. An audiable click could be heard from the other side, indicating that the door had been locked.  
  
"Fine!" he yelled in the general direction of the door "I'm sure there are plenty of other females onboard that would enjoy the pleasures of my company!" A second clicking sound ensued before the door swung open again.  
  
Confused, the head cheff stared out at him. "What?"  
  
"You heard me" he smirked "there's plenty of other women that would love to be in my company"  
  
"Do you want to know why I took this job?" she continued, not giving time to reply. "It's because this is a gay cruise, as in no females other then me on board, as in no one hits on me."  
  
"What? Gay?"  
  
"That's right, gay."  
  
"As in male, male?"  
  
"Yup"  
  
"Your the only women?"  
  
"Correct"  
  
"Gay, as in guys attracted to each other?"  
  
"Yes"  
  
"I see."  
  
Severus Snape had never had a worse day in his entiar existance. Stuck on a ship for four weeks with only one women on board. He made a mental note to kick Albus Dumbldores shins next chance he got. He then promptly fell in a dead faint.  
  
to be continued!  
  
Authors Extra Note: Thank you to all two of you who reviewed! Thank you muchly! Also, if you would rather not have Crimson type annoying and absured things like *duh, duh, dun* please tell us in your next review and I shall attempt to restrain her next time we write the next chapter. Till then! Tah! Tah! (Wow, that sounded so much less dorky out loud!) 


	3. The Swim

Purple Monkeys  
  
Disclaimer: We own nothing but the words we typed.  
  
Authors Note: Pacific: What, no smart ass remarks to tell our readers? Crimson: Ow...my head...wiffle bat....I hate you. Pacific: I know, I know. Anywayz, on with the story!  
  
Chapter Three  
  
Four days had passed and the humiliation of fainting in front of that women was still fresh in his mind, burning away his sanity. (Crimson: A little overdramatic dont ya think? Pacific: shut up Crimson! I'm trying to work here!) Severus Snape had spent the past four days doing his best to avoid all groping couples and HER. The women who claimed she was named after a kitchen utensil. Spork had been easy to avoid, the groping couples however had proven to be a slightly harder challenge. To top it all off he now had his own personal male stalker.  
  
The man with the cheezy pick-up line had been following him for the past four days and Snape was at the end of his rope, literally. He had decided that it would be a good idea to climb down the rope ladder that divided the public upper decks to the private lower ones. Unfortunatly this was how he ended up in the same hallway as room 507 and that sickingly sweet stalker. Snape would have liked to have broused the hallways a bit longer but when he saw the latch to room 507 begin to rise he thought it was time to high tail it out of there, but not even the slippery Snape was quick enough to escape the sralker extrodinere.  
  
Looking down the opposite hall Snape searched for a route of escape, to no avail. A large, beefy man was walking towards him from that way and Snape didn't think he could fit around him. It was to his further ill-luck that the second man raised one large, pudgy hand to wave past Snape. Surpressing a groan Snape turned to see none other then his very own personal stalker.  
  
"Muffy! There you are! I was wondering where you had gone off to!" Snape stood transfixed for a second before realizing that the name Muffy had been addressed to the man that was now standing behind him.  
  
"Kitten! How's my lovey pie?" The overgrown man bellowed back.  
  
Snape snorted, discusted that any stalker of HIS would be called Kitten! Snapping back to attention Snape realized that both the men that had been trading pet names only a moment before were now standing by his sides, talking about him.  
  
"Muffy, this is the cute piece of ass I was telling you about earlier."  
  
Snape looked at Muffy to see him giving him the once-over, no, make that the twice-over.  
  
"So, Kitten tells me that you want to come play with us." Snape backed up a pace, horrified that this was happening, to him no less. "I bet if you came to play with us I could show you how to get a hole in one." Snape stepped back further, shocked by what they had said, to make matters worse he could now see the Head Cheff comming up a set of stairs towards him.  
  
In a final attempt to escape, Snap took one final step back, tripping over his feet as he did so. Falling over the rail, he plunged into the waters below. He was able to hear someone yell man over-board before his head disapeared under the surface.  
  
Meanwhile back up on the deck, Muffy was being restrained by a sobbing Kitten. "No Muffy! You can't leave me! You might get hurt! Then who would fluff my pillows and give me back massages?"  
  
Spork arrived moments later after witnessing the whole thing. Glancing at the arguing couple who were now arguing about sharks she rolled her eyes.  
  
Muttering "For the love of god!" she decided that the greasy haired man wouldn't be saved by the couple any time soon. She yanked off her heavy uniform top to reveal a black bikinin top underneath. Climbing onto the railing, she balanced herself for a moment before doing a perfect swan dive into the unsettled waters below. ("duh, duh, dun!" "Crimson! Don't make me bring out the bat again!")  
  
"Shit!" Snape thought madly to himself, cursing the fact that he had never bothered to learn how to swim. He was running out of air quickly and his lungs felt like they were about to burst any second now. He was therefore mildly surprised to feel a pair of arms yank him upwards, thrusting his head above the surface of the water. His attempts to look at his rescuer were thwarted however by the fact that he was now being seated on someones hip as his rescuer swam towards a rope ladder that had been thrown over the side of the boat. Grabbing onto the ladder he turned around to see...Spork.  
  
"Oh God, not you!" were the only words that left his lips.  
  
to be continued...  
  
Authors Note, Again: Pacific: Hope you enjoyed that, we'd like you to review, no, wait, make that *pulls out large salmon* you feel compelled to review! Crimson: Ah, Pacific? You'r scaring them, again. Pacific: Yes, well, that can't be helped. Hopefully the next chapter will be slightly longer, at the very least it will have obsessive amounts of bad jokes in it, courtsey of Crimson. And yes, lifeguards DO carry people like that when saving them if you want more details, or a better explanation, review! 


	4. The Midgets

Purple Monkeys  
  
Disclaimer: Don't own, don't sue, if you do we will be forced to send you to the card graveyard (yes, Crimson has been watching too much Yu-Gi-Oh!)  
  
Authors Note: Sorry we haven't updated much lately, you know school, work, saving the world, etc. Nothing much. Anyways, on with the plot....  
  
After being helped out of the shark infested water, Snape shuffled past the bickering couple who were still going on about Muffy diving in. As he walked past them Muffy turned to him. He froze in terror.  
  
"Yeah, anyway, when we go mini putting I can show you how to get a hole in one, it's all in the wrist."  
  
Snape stared at him, shocked. "Mini putting? You were talking about mini putting?"  
  
"Well, yeah" Muffy went on "what did you think we were talking about?"  
  
"Er, well, ah yeah, never mind" Snape paused a second before turning and making his escape. He had managed to turn the nearest corner before he felt two hands turning him towards the direction of the stairway he had descended only days previously.  
  
After being hauled down one staircase and though several doors he was once again in the bright clean kitchen. He noticed a cup of hot soup sitting next to him on the counter. "Why is there soup in a cup here? Who drinks soup!" he stared down at the soup, his features showing a look of irritation.  
  
"Just because your pissy don't take it out on the soup, you'll give it bad karma." Spork snapped back, scooping up the cup of what Snape had discovered was broth and taking a sip of it.  
  
Snape stared at the strange young women who drank soup, wondering if Spork was her real name. It was only after she turned to stare at him that he realized he had said the last part out loud.  
  
As she stared back he took in the sight of a strange person indeed. Standing at only 5'5 he towered over her. She had a slight build but judging by what he had felt earlier when she had hauled him out of the water she wasn't a push over, she must work out. Her purple hair was tied back into a loose bun that seemed to have a mind of it's own, strands defying the tie by hanging loosely around her neck. She also had a small silver stud in her nose that he hadn't noticed earlier as well as multiple piercings in her ears.  
  
"No, but that's none of your concern now is it?" her voice lashed out at him, Shaking him from his train of thought.  
  
Looking around frantically for something to change the conversation his eyes came across a large crate with air holes. Since when is food delivered in crates with air holes? Getting a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach he decided to ask what was in the crate.  
  
"So, what's in the crate?" he asked, hoping she would buy it.  
  
"Not that it's any of your business but they contained imported fruits."  
  
Snape felt sick, imported fruits. Going out on a limb he decided to pursue the matter at hand. "You haven't by any chance seen any purple monkeys around lately have you?"  
  
Spork stared at him a few seconds before rushing over and feeling his forehead asking "Just how much salt water did you swallow?"  
  
"None! But have you seen any monkeys around?"  
  
"That just happen to be purple?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Well actually now that you mention it I did see some purple monkeys just the other day."  
  
"What?!"  
  
"Don't worry salty, they weren't real, they were just some of the passengers that were playing a practical joke. Last time I checked purple monkeys weren't real."  
  
Snape felt a migraine coming on, this just wasn't his day. "How tall were they?"  
  
"About midget size actually but there are a lot of short people around here."  
  
Snape decided it was time to leave, purple monkeys could wait until after he had gotten rid of this headache and a change into dry clothes, perhaps even a game of mini putting.  
  
To be continued...  
  
Authors Note: Crimson: well, there it is. Pacific: Yup. Crimson: Hope you enjoyed, review! Pacific: duh, duh, dun! Crimson: hey! That's my line! Pacific: review! 


	5. The Boyfriend

Purple Monkeys  
  
Disclaimer: Crimson: Go to hell you- Pacific: slaps hand over crimson's mouth Sorry, Crimsons in a bad mood, don't own, no suing.  
  
Authors Note: Crimson: sorry we took so long but things came books, anime Pacific: a cartoon show that was originally created for 10- year olds. Crimson: go to hell. sulks and Trigun. Pacific: And work...my work is better then yours! Crimson: is currently looking for her cousins beyblade under the bed and is buisily discovering things she didn't know she owned Pacific: yeah...stares just read the story.  
  
After a quick change of clothes and a riveting game of mini-putting (it's all in the wrist you know) with Muffy and Kitten, Snape decided to head over to the ships bar to see what the best these raving mad muggles could come up with. He was hoping they could make a good tequila.  
  
Upon downing his neon pink tequila (with a green umbrella of course) he heard a cold familiar voice demand a turtle-wine Snape nearly spit his drink out. Swallowing the remainder of his pink drink (Pacific: it rhymes!) he turned and saw (Crimson: dun dun duh! Pacific: takes out whiffel bat and swings it threateningly) none other then Lucus Malfoy staring at a neon purple drink that was anything but a turtle-wine.  
  
"What is this?"  
  
"That?" The bartender turned back to look at him. "That's turtle- wine, hello?" he then pointed at a poster that was hanging above the bar. It was a picture of a large purple drink in a turtle cup with bright neon lettering that seemed to scream at the onlooker 'Turtle-wine, this weeks special.'  
  
"This is turtle-wine?" Lucus snorted looking disgusted at the prospect of drinking it.  
  
"Um, yeah! Now are you gonna pay for it or what?"  
  
Lucus looked down his nose at the bar tender when he told him how much the drink cost. He muttered "muggle currency" then stared at the bartender when he proceeded to say..."Muggle? We don't serve that trash around here, if you want a cheep drink like that go to a cheep cruise-line, here we serve only the best." Before flouncing behind a large door behind that bar that read 'Employees Only'  
  
Malfoy senior stared down at the drink before knocking it over, untouched. He stood up and walked towards the door before he noticed Snape sitting at the other end of the bar, his drink glass still sitting before him, empty.  
  
Strutting over Malfoy sat down onto the stool next to Snape. He made a small exclamation before standing up again and muttering a cleansing charm in the direction of the stool. He muttered 'He'll be one of the first to go on this ship.' Before sitting down again.  
  
It was then that Snape couldn't help but think that if Spork had anything to do with it, Lucus would not only do nothing of the sort, but he would also be sent off into the horizon on a small inflatable dingy with nothing but a small box of crackers and all the purple monkeys...okay, and maybe a spork to defend himself with.  
  
Gathering up all his courage and wit, Snape turned to Lucus and sneered "I thought you were married Lucus, Draco will be ever so disappointed with you, and what ever will Narcassa say?"  
  
Lucus glared back before snapping at Snape. "And what will our lord have to say when he finds out that you were found on a muggle gay cruise? I never knew you enjoyed the company of men Severus, although it may be understandable after that night where you went out drinking with McGonagall and had to many tequilas."  
  
Snape felt his face heat up and hoped that he wasn't blushing. He knew from experience that it was very un-evil looking, and he did like to always look the part. Snape stood up gathering himself and in one swift movement he spat on Lucus and stormed out.  
  
Lucus was left sitting in the bar, stunned at what just happened. Spit was dripping down his pointed noise.  
  
Snape mean wile went out onto the deck of the ship to get some air. As he did so he saw Kitten and Muffy came out hand in hand to see how he was doing.  
  
"An ex huh?"  
  
"What?" Snape stared at Muffy in horror.  
  
"Don't worry, we all have a few, two of mine are on this ship too...I've already tried to lock them into the broom closets, the locks on this ship are really cheap."  
  
Snape could do nothing to convince the pair that it was otherwise so all he could do was to stare in open mouthed horror. His thoughts slowly telling him 'So, there really must be purple monkeys on this ship, but more importantly they think Lucus is my ex!'  
  
To be continued...  
  
Authors Note: Crimson: phew! Finally finished! Pacific: figures, it takes months to gets around to doing, but it only takes a few hours to write. Go figure. Crimson: Review! Pacific: Indeed. Crimson: Quite. Pacific: Exactly. Crimson: Yup. Yup. 


End file.
